Cancer sucks. The fight is full of moments that smack you upside the head and make you think that there is no hope. I had one of these moments yesterday. Ironically, it was my birthday and this moment both figuratively and literally brought me to my knees.
I went to visit Grandma before the evening’s activities and she opened her garage so that I could just park in the driveway and walk inside. However this time was different. I struggled and struggled to get out of my car. I must have tried 15 or so times before I was finally able to get out and stand up. Grandma could tell right away that I wasn’t walking as well as I had the last time that she had seen me. My cancer has swollen my feet, ankles, and legs to the point where I can barely dress myself or put on shoes. I slowly made my way inside so we could visit and I could snack on the delicious ice cream sandwiches she keeps in stock for Bradley and me.
I usually don’t admit that I am struggling or that I am not able to do what I once was capable of doing. Grandma could see that needed help and there was no way I was going to be able to let my pride deny my struggles. I broke down and told her that I needed help. I didn’t know what that help would be, but I knew deep down that I needed help. She knew exactly what I needed though and told me to wait a second as she went upstairs and got it. As she came around the kitchen and I could see what she was thinking, my eyes began to fill with tears. It was a cane. Not just any cane, but my Grandfather’s cane. I realized that she was right and that like it or not a cane would greatly help.
As many of you know my grandfather passed away in 2007 and that I have missed him every day since. So you can imagine my hesitation of using something that he had used because of the emotions that flooded into my conscience. My grandmother told me not to cry and to be happy. What? Be happy that I have to use a cane- no less Grandpa’s cane? Had she gone crazy? What she said to me next I never will forget. She told me that there really was no reason to be sad because now Grandpa would be walking with me all the time. He’d be right there in stride, step for step with me once again. This was something that I had longed for ever since he passed. She was right. It is comforting to have the security of the cane, but it is even better to have my Grandfather by my side again.
Despite the pain and difficulty my cancer has burdened me with, this visit with Grandma was one I know I will never forget. She was able to give me strength and a tool to help fight against this destructive disease. For this I am forever grateful. Today I am still struggling to walk and incredibly swollen, yet I am comforted in a way I haven’t been during my entire fight against cancer. Grandpa is right here at my side and he will help me beat cancer into remission. I had no idea a simple wooden cane could do so much. Thank you Grandma & Grandpa for always knowing what I need and for always being there for me. I love you both.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
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