I am home from the hospital and doing much better. About time, eh?
Last Friday, my
Oncologist, Dr. Reid and I decided to try me on a different chemotherapy
regimen because of the side effects I was having to the Taxol infusions. Dr.
Reid explained that the medicine, whose pharmaceutical name starts with a
"B" (I can't remember exactly what it was called), was currently in
the last stage of its clinical trial. It is generally prescribed to patients
with a specific type of lymphoma and those with Multiple Myeloma. Like many of
you are aware my Grandfather battled Multiple Myeloma courageously so when she
told me this I immediately thought of him and started to cry. I wanted nothing
less than one more visit with him, one more phone call, one more chance to tell
him how much I love him and to thank him for watching over me and helping me
fight through all of this "sickness stuff".
Cancer is unbelievably
cruel in the most unexpected moments- like today when I struggled to reach a
medicine bottle from up in one of the highest kitchen cabinets. I was able to
touch the outside of the bottle, but without a chair I was not going to be able
to reach it. With the amount of foolish pride I have, it quickly became evident
that what I was reaching for would have to wait. I needed to come up with a
better plan. I realized that the solution was to look for and find a better
tool to grasp that damn bottle not climb up on a shaky chair. Enough about that
damn bottle, it wasn't worth it anyways. Another cruel moment is when I have to
carry things from one room to another. I have only one hand now to carry things
as my other one carries the cane I must walk with. Think about it for a moment.
What if you only had one hand to carry things with? It’s pathetic to me that
now I always make sure my shorts or pants have pockets just in case I cannot
grab or carry everything. It is these moments of hardship and struggle that I
feel the urge to yell out my frustrations. Thankfully most of the time it stays
inside the confines of my own head, but I will admit that these thoughts are
generally proceeded by an expletive or two.
Like the coin has
two sides, there is also other ways to think about cancer and what it entails.
For example, this fight against KS has been really overwhelming both positively
and negatively. I have been humbled by those who have taken time out of their
busy days and schedules to help Eric and me out. Family and friends who bring
over dinner when we are too exhausted to cook after our energies are depleted.
The brave souls who have volunteered to do household chores like laundry and
cleaning have humbled me with their compassion. Their willingness to do
whatever is needed no matter how rudimentary or unpleasant is not lost on me.
For instance, I have one friend who comes over to visit and for the last few
visits she has brought her own yellow kitchen cleaning gloves. I have told her
that she doesn't need to clean up every time she visits and that her company is
just as cherished as her amazing ability to beautify a kitchen. These moments
are just a few of the wonderfully humbling experiences I have had. It is in
these moments that while my eyes may be filling up with tears, my heart dares
to hope again for recovery and a cure.
Getting back to the
new regimen and how I am responding to it, I believe that the shot makes me
more nauseated than the infusions did and the length of time I feel crappy is
longer. Conversely, it has not given me one neutropenic fever or secondary
infection requiring hospitalization. So for now I will follow the advice of a
doctor who knows far more than I do about cancer and specifically KS. If in a
few months there are not significant and noticeable improvements in my
condition I can always return to the Taxol infusions despite the volatile
ramifications that it has on my health.
I don't believe I
mentioned earlier when I will be receiving this powerful shot. Every Friday for
three consecutive weeks I must get the shot. The fourth week of the 28 day
cycle, I get a much needed recoup and recover week. Unfortunately for my poor
stomach, the effects of the medicine are cumulative meaning that the third week
of every cycle will be the roughest. Yippee!
Tonight I am feeling
hot, tired and backed up. Sorry if that's too much information, but it’s the
truth. Tonight as I say my prayers I will remember to thank God for the good
things in my life and for the many angels he sends my way. Hope you all have a
pleasant evening and the remainder of your week goes quickly and painlessly. Be
well friends. Good night.
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