Jerry, KitKat Bars, and the Beauty of Hope

I had chemotherapy yesterday and took it like a champ. Actually, I slept through most of the awful part thanks to the "pre-meds" I received. The cocktail of Benadryl, Pepcid, and Zofran is greatly appreciated by most patients including myself, in UCSD's oncology infusion center. 

Yesterday I was excited to see my new friend, I will call him Jerry to protect his privacy, again this week with his signature possession, chocolate candy bars. You see Jerry has been fighting Multiple Myelomma for 13 years undergoing many of the same treatments and procedures that i have had to. This is also the same cancer that my grandfather, Roy B. Cannon Jr., courageously battled for 8 years. Even though grandpa is gone, you would not believe how good it makes me feel to see Jerry fighting and beating Myelomma's horrific destruction. Jerry and I have become an odd friendship, he is a mid-sixties, choc-a-holic, Harley-Davidson riding hippie. However,  our friendship stems from something much deeper than what appears on the surface. We both like, um, well fine, we both LOVE KitKat bars. 

(Geez! I'm going through hell here. At least Let me enjoy my damn candy bar!)

More importantly though is that we both have an inner strength that comes from going through the terror and tragedy cancer brings. I am still finding mine and figuring out how in the heck to positively use it, but Jerry is a good friend and a good example to follow.

It was not a great night last night. I have had a new reaction to the chemo medications arise and that is a terrible metallic taste in my mouth that will not go away. Imagine sucking on a quarter or a few quarters and I'm guessing that is pretty close to the taste I experienced. Not the most pleasant sensory experience, but it could be worse. Much worse I suppose.

Diarrhea and hot flashes have already started while I remain hungrier than ever. Sometimes I just need some comfort food at 3 am to help me get back to sleep, even if only for an hour. I had a bowl of Raisin Bran cereal  (bad idea for someone with the runs) and a PB&J. Now that its light out I crawl out of bed to make myself some breakfast. I am having macaroni & cheese (to combat my runs) and another delicious PB&J. 

Oh thank goodness for PB&J's. 

Well I will not bore you or gross you out with more details of my wacky bodily functions, but I did want to leave you with these final thoughts. My hair has started to fall out. Not all at once, but slowly a few strands at a time as if to torture me even more than I already am. I am greatly saddened by this, but with "sad" there is always a "happy". My "happy" was looking down at my legs, the tumors, and the ugly reality of cancer and seeing the first glimpses of improvement. Nothing drastic yet, but enough to give me the hope that my cancer has taken away from me. I know it has only been two doses of chemotherapy, but then again it has ONLY been two doses. Who knows how much better things will be after four, six, or eight doses? This hope is what I desperately hold onto (besides Eric of course!) and think about when the chemo side effects become too intense.

HOPE, that amazing gift from God, sure is a WONDERFUL thing.

Facebook status update: Port-a-cath

I am recovering well after having a port-a-cath placed in my chest this afternoon. I am definitely sore, but glad that having ivs started, blood drawn and chemo infused will not be the painful experience its has been lately. I need to thank Eric Brown who rescheduled his whole day at the request of my doctor so that i could have this procedure before thursdays next chemo infusion. Thank you for your sacrifices. I also must thank Beth Brown, eric's mother and my cancer cheerleader, for her calming words and guidance through out my treatments and procedures. To my own family, thank you for understanding and for answering my frantic calls and worried text messages. Lastly, friends i want to say thank you to you. If i could put you all in here specifically i would, but since i can not please know that i am deeply grateful for your compassion, your humor, and your help. It is these gifts that help me get up and fight everyday. I Love you all and each of you remain in my prayers.
CJ

A great gift from Michiyo

Yesterday I got the best gift, but it didnt come with shiny paper or a bow. It was a friend, a dear friend who showed up at my doorstep. She simply wanted to help me however she could knowing there was probably laundry to do or a kitchen that had not been cleaned in awhile. She was right, but the gift I received was not just a clean kitchen. It was knowing that when life sucks (I think we'd all agree dealing with cancer and chemotherapy sucks) friends will be there to lighten the load and lessen the burdens we carry. What an amazing gift! Michiyo Okamoto you're an amazing friend and im blessed to have you in my life. Thank you for your help yesterday and for being there for me. I hope you know how much that means to me.

Chemotherapy Foul Starts

Hello Friends and Family, 

Unfortunately, I was unable to start chemotherapy treatments last Wednesday because my lab workup showed that my white blood cell count (and others) was too low. So after four needle sticks to start the iv and an hour to draw blood; I was told to come back on Monday and we would try this all over again. Unbelievable! I mean come on now. How many times do i have to pump myself up and then run into a wall?? You can not even come close to understanding how bummed I was... And to make things worse my oncologist relayed orders over the phone to the nurse that I need to have a port put in so I will not have to go through all of the needle sticks each time. But there is more.. she also ordered another bone marrow biopsy- my third in less than six months. I wept. With a room full of people and Eric sitting next to me, I turned to look out the ninth story window of UCSD hospital and cried. I couldn't hold it in any longer and like a raging river breaking the damn, my spirit broke and my emotions streamed down my face. It took me a long time to pull myself together just to walk out of the hospital, but I did.

Four days later I'm still recovering from effects of not having received the chemo treatment. The pain is unbearable at times, the physical tumors continue to grow, but I'm still here fighting through and trying to fix my spirit that has been broken too many times. So this afternoon I guess Eric was bumming just like I was and he decided to go grocery shopping. While he was at the store having his best shopping trip ever (brownies, ice cream, and my favorite kind of root beer just to name a few items that ended up in our fridge), there was a knock at the door. It was just who I needed to see- my doctor, Dr. Caperna. After a brief physical exam and going over my medicine list, he looked me in the eye and told me to keep going, to keep fighting. I'm not courageous like my grandfather, but with you- my friends and family I keep moving. Its not always a graceful movement or even one that goes forward, but I keep on.

I apologize for the emotional dumping, but I told everyone that I would update as much as I could and I am trying to keep my promise. I am also having to swallow my pride and ask for help with things that I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would need help with. So to those who have shown up, offered their help, and bear the brunt of my burdens- You are the reason I keep getting up, keep fighting, and keep going. Thank you. If it wasn't for you I would be in a much worse place than I am now. I will let you know how it goes tomorrow and say a prayer for me because I can use all the help I can get. Love you guys.

-C

Finally Some Good News!

Good news to report, the oncologist called this evening and gave me the results of my PET and CT scans. For the most part it was a good report- The couple of concerning issues in her mind only merited "watching and waiting" rather than biopsies. She has ordered the chemotherapy medicines for next Wednesday, but with scheduling being less than ideal at the infusion center it might not be until Thursday or Friday. I can't begin to express my relief and how very grateful I am for your prayers, love, and continued support. I'm nervous to start chemo, but mostly I look forward to some relief from the pain and suffering I have increasingly endured. I know there will be some pretty sick and "bad days" ahead, but the thought of having many more good days is wonderful. What an amazing feeling to have as I head to bed this evening. Thank you, love you, and good night everyone.

CT scan/PETscan: Today @ 2pm

Today I have my petscan at 2pm. No, its not for my pets. Its a diagnostic imaging exam that shows where cancer might be hiding in the cells of a person's body. Fun, right? Ugh. Between you and me I am feeling pretty nervous about it. I have had a few of these exams before and it really is no big deal. Lay in a loud, confining tunnel for about an hour while contrast is injected and images are taken. Its what these images might show that frighten me the most. I am apprehensive to start chemotherapy again knowing that its going to make me feel like... well, shit- sorry mom. You wouldnt step into the ring to fight against someone who you knew was going to beat you senseless would you? Thats kind of how chemo takes on your body. It beats you senseless and destroys not only the bad, but some of the good as well.

In life you never get the answers before the big test so I don't know why i'm expecting that to be the case now. Nothing I can do about it & whatever will be, will be. I'm just going to pretend like I am not scared and who knows... maybe by 2 o'clock I won't be anymore. ;-) #scaredshitless #thiscancerthingsuxs #keepingthefaith