Hello Friends and Family,
Unfortunately, I was unable to start chemotherapy treatments last Wednesday because my lab workup showed that my white blood cell count (and others) was too low. So after four needle sticks to start the iv and an hour to draw blood; I was told to come back on Monday and we would try this all over again. Unbelievable! I mean come on now. How many times do i have to pump myself up and then run into a wall?? You can not even come close to understanding how bummed I was... And to make things worse my oncologist relayed orders over the phone to the nurse that I need to have a port put in so I will not have to go through all of the needle sticks each time. But there is more.. she also ordered another bone marrow biopsy- my third in less than six months. I wept. With a room full of people and Eric sitting next to me, I turned to look out the ninth story window of UCSD hospital and cried. I couldn't hold it in any longer and like a raging river breaking the damn, my spirit broke and my emotions streamed down my face. It took me a long time to pull myself together just to walk out of the hospital, but I did.
Four days later I'm still recovering from effects of not having received the chemo treatment. The pain is unbearable at times, the physical tumors continue to grow, but I'm still here fighting through and trying to fix my spirit that has been broken too many times. So this afternoon I guess Eric was bumming just like I was and he decided to go grocery shopping. While he was at the store having his best shopping trip ever (brownies, ice cream, and my favorite kind of root beer just to name a few items that ended up in our fridge), there was a knock at the door. It was just who I needed to see- my doctor, Dr. Caperna. After a brief physical exam and going over my medicine list, he looked me in the eye and told me to keep going, to keep fighting. I'm not courageous like my grandfather, but with you- my friends and family I keep moving. Its not always a graceful movement or even one that goes forward, but I keep on.
I apologize for the emotional dumping, but I told everyone that I would update as much as I could and I am trying to keep my promise. I am also having to swallow my pride and ask for help with things that I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would need help with. So to those who have shown up, offered their help, and bear the brunt of my burdens- You are the reason I keep getting up, keep fighting, and keep going. Thank you. If it wasn't for you I would be in a much worse place than I am now. I will let you know how it goes tomorrow and say a prayer for me because I can use all the help I can get. Love you guys.
-C
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